Sunday, February 27, 2011

Humpin’

Tuesday is my Friday (at least as far as work is concerned), so by the time 11pm rolls around I am definitely ready for some R&R…if only it were that easy…

This Tuesday evening I returned home to find my neighbor, whom I have nicknamed “Next-Door-Nasty” or “Nasty” for short, laying on top of her latest foreign traveler de jour in the entryway to my building. At first I wasn’t sure if it was her. There are a few new people in the building who didn’t seem to get the memo about this being a quiet building, one for introverts who read books late into the night and chain smoke cigarettes. These people have dinner parties, bond fires in the backyard and have a constant train of people in and out. So, needless to say, I wasn’t expecting to know the people, well, humpin’, in my entry way. 

I slammed the mailbox shut hoping to shame them into stopping, but looked in just in time confirm it was indeed Nasty who was now straddling her gentleman caller as he was pulling her hair…gross… 

With a little time to kill, I borrowed a cigarette from a bum who had set up camp in a doorway nearby and tried to get out of ear shot of the moaning/giggle fest happening inside.  While I smoked, I attempted to text my roommate to see if she would open the door or do something to get them to stop…I didn’t want to be out here all night! But, she wasn’t home and with no one else to share my news with, I texted the neighborhood watchdog who is familiar with Nasty’s shenanigans.   

Finally, they “finished” and I waited until I saw them turn on a light in her apartment before heading inside.  Then, and only then, did I tip toe in and past the site of the Tuesday night free sex show and into the comforts of my own apartment across the hall from hers. 

The next few days, the news traveled fast…all of neighbors wanted to know the details.  “Why didn’t you watch?” asked the middle aged man in my building.  “Ah, because she’s nasty,” I replied. “Why don’t you tell the building manager?” asked another. Yeah, what’s he gonna say, “Would you please stop humpin’ random smelly tourists in the building’s public spaces”?  He gets uncomfortable when he has to come over to change a light bulb…So, I did the only thing I could do -  I grabbed a couple of pamphlets on Sex Addiction from my local community clinic and slid them under her door.  But really, when it comes down to it, sex addiction is really only a label they give to men, for women, they just call it awesome.   

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